


Would you like me to lie to you now?

by thesecretdoor



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, Heavy Angst, M/M, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2019-03-28 06:10:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13897953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesecretdoor/pseuds/thesecretdoor
Summary: "I love you. I could tell you that I don’t, but that would be a lie...”





	Would you like me to lie to you now?

Yuto thought he knew pain, an old, familiar friend it was, but this is different. He doesn’t cry, it hurts too much for tears, or maybe it’s that he’s too shocked because Keito? Keito?! He closes his eyes and instantly regrets it because then there’s nothing but the noises, amplified by the darkness behind his eyelids. Keito? Yamada and Keito?

They’re not _together_ together, he doesn’t think, when days pass and he can think again. They’re not a couple, but he knows what he heard that night he passed their room and the very thought of it twists his stomach, churning like bile. Jealously is an ugly thing, a painful thing, only it’s not just jealously because there are far too many complicated emotions mixing together where Yamada is concerned. A whole cocktail of fucked up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Why do you always turn away when I try and kiss you?” Yuto asks, the ghost of his last smile is still twisting his lips but he's deadly serious and Yamada knows it.

Yamada clears his throat and looks away kind of uncomfortably “Don't the fans prefer it that way?”

They might, Yuto thinks, but this isn't about the fans, they both know that. Instead of answering he leans in and tries to kiss Yamada's lips. Just as he expects Yamada squirms away. “There are no fans here now Yama-chan.” he says, and he doesn't mean for it to sound accusatory but the hard defiance in Yamada's eyes says that it does.

“Don't.” Yamada says simply but Yuto just swallows hard and leans in again. Yamada tries to back away but Yuto's hands grip his shoulders and hold him in place as he leans in and presses kisses across Yamada's cheek and jaw. “Don't” Yamada tells him again firmly.

Yuto's “Why?” is muffled by Yamada's skin, and then his surprised gasp is muffled by Yamada's lips as Yamada turns and, for the very first time, kisses him back. For a few short, ecstatic moments there are fireworks behind Yuto's eyelids, there are warm, soft lips moving vigorously against his but as he flicks his tongue out against them, Yamada pulls away.

“Don't...” Yamada repeats, only it's no longer defiant, it's no longer a warning, his voice is gentle, tired, pitiful.

“You fool around with Keito.” Yuto almost spits and he dives back into Yamada's mouth only Yamada doesn't kiss back this time, he doesn't fight it though, he just stands still which somehow only feels more like rejection, until Yuto pulls away again in a mix of desperation and frustration.

“I'm sorry Yuto” Yamada says, and even though it's quiet there's a kind of finality to it that Yuto just can't ignore.

“Why?” Yuto asks him again, his voice thick and he furrows his eyebrows to try and fight away the tears that are building up.

Yamada looks as though he's about to cry too only it's in pity. “Because I don't feel that way about you...”

“Do you feel that way about Keito?” Yuto asks, he tries to keep the bitterness out of his voice but it's so hard when Yamada is looking right at him, when Yuto knows, he fucking knows because the noises haunt him every time he closes his eyes.

Yamada has the decency to look abashed at least. “No.”

It makes it better, because at least now Yuto knows that Yamada doesn't have feelings for Keito, but it also makes it a thousand times worse because he knows that Yamada still fools around with Keito anyway. “Why doesn't that matter if it's Keito...why can't you pretend like that if it's me?”

“I could.” Yamada says. “I could easily make you believe that I felt that way about you, but it would be a lie...and you don't deserve that.”

“What if I wanted it anyway?” Yuto argues, and his skin is already tingling just at the thought, he can practically feel Yamada's fingers feathering through his hair, taste the strawberry lip balm against his lips again.

It shatters. “You don't.” Yamada answers as though the words are difficult to say, and his next words seem even harder to get out. “Because you love me.”

Yuto can't answer for a moment. It's not shock, and it's certainly not realisation because Yuto has known for years why he hates Yamada the way he does. Still, it's the first time it's been said aloud between them. “Keito loves you...” Yuto argues stubbornly and Yamada concedes with a light nod.

“But not like you do.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sight of Keito walking through the door makes Yuto feel sick, or it could be the seventh shot of vodka, which he throws back as Keito makes his way over to the white leather sofa. “I thought I'd find you here...” Keito says, as he slides along it so sit next to Yuto. The music is loud, but the door to the VIP room is closed and it soundproofs it just enough that conversations are possible. Yuto wishes they weren't, he doesn't need this, not here, not now, not from fucking Keito. Yuto doesn't care who his father is, Keito is his junior, by a long fucking way, he has no right to look down on Yuto the way his eyes say he is. “Ryosuke is worried about you...”

Yuto cringes as something throbs in his chest, something real and physical because nobody should be allowed to call Yamada that. Yuto was the first to, back when they were friends, best friends maybe, but he hasn't called him it in lot of years, they're not close enough any more. He pours himself another drink, a double, and tosses it back. It makes his throat burn. His eyes burn too but he can't blame that on the vodka. He lights a cigarette, lets the smoke from his first long drag billow up over his lips, just so that he has something to blame it on. “I don't need him to be.”

“Well that's not how it works...” Keito tells him and Yuto doesn't have an answer for that, not a verbal one, he reaches out for the bottle of vodka again.

Keito's hand moves at the same time, knocking Yuto's away from the bottle and Yuto flips so fast he can't tell which way is up. “Get out of my way.” he snaps, and he rounds on Keito. He sees Keito's eyes widen in fear and it only makes him angrier, how could Yamada choose this over him, scared, useless Keito. “All you do is get in the way of everything I want. Just fuck off already, I don't want you around.”

Keito's eyes harden but he gets up all the same. “I didn't sign up for this shit.” Keito tells him and he storms to the door. Yuto listens as it slams but it brings him no satisfaction. He reaches for the vodka, takes a swig straight from the bottle but that does nothing to sooth him either and in his rage he throws it at the door after Keito.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So you're going to drink yourself into oblivion?” Yamada asks dryly, lifting an empty bottle from Yuto’s coffee table. “That's your answer?”

“You got a better one?” Yuto asks as he watches the end of his cigarette, his head hurts too much to look up, Yamada is shining so brightly it hurts his eyes, and his heart.

Yamada drops into his line of sight and his forehead crinkles in unease for a moment as he considers Yuto's face. Yuto turns away, he can't take the scrutiny in those beautiful eyes. He can still see out of the corner of his vision though, so it doesn't take him by surprise when Yamada reaches out to take his cigarette from him and he turns back as Yamada takes a quick drag and then stubs it out in the ashtray.

Yamada's next action takes Yuto completely by surprise, even though he's looking full on. He's so surprised that his mind hasn't even fully wrapped around it before Yamada's lips are pressing against his. He's still not sure it’s real when Yamada's lips drop to his neck, working their way down his bare chest until they reach the waistband of his pyjama pants. He doesn't understand it, but he wants it, he's already hard by the time Yamada has them peeled down, and his breathing is already catching in his throat even before Yamada's lips slide down around him.

Yuto's head tips back, his eyes scrunching closed as his jaw clenches and a harsh hissing sounds from between his lips as Yamada’s slide back up his length. “Yama-chan.” he gasps quietly, more to remind himself because he still can’t quite believe that it’s real, that it’s Yamada on his knees in front of him. Yamada gives a low hum of acknowledgement that reverberates along Yuto’s cock, making it throb as he groans again. “Ryosuke” he tries, barely more than breath, and he raises his head to look down, to check that it really is.

He looks incredible, his eyes fixed intensely on Yuto’s, his cheeks just ever so slightly flushed, his supple lips stretched just right, sliding down, back up again. Yuto reaches out a hand, traces Yamada’s taut bottom lip with his thumb while sucking his own lip into his mouth, biting into it to keep himself grounded. He lets his hand slide back into Yamada’s hair, along his jaw, and Yamada tilts his head into the touch, his talented mouth never breaking pace.

It’s too good, or maybe it’s that it’s too much, or that Yuto has been wanting this for so long and that Yamada is so fucking hot, his lips just tight enough, his tongue flicking against the head just right. Yuto is too close. He bites his lip harder, trying to hold back, to savour every second but he can already feel the pressure of it boiling up.

His fingers tighten in Yamada's hair and Yamada seems to understand the warning, he pulls off, his hand taking over the rhythm as he mouths the underside of Yuto's cock sloppily, his lips flushed and his eyes looking up, dark and lustful.

Yuto is gone, his eyes clenching closed as a small, desperate moan claws its way out of his throat and he spills over his own stomach and Yamada's hand. Yamada strokes him through it, slowly, perfect, easing him down and then he lets go.

Yuto's eyes finally open as his heartbeat calms, and then it almost stops. The desire is gone from Yamada's eyes, pain is in it's place and Yuto can see his swollen lips trembling a little as he concentrates on wiping his hand with a tissue.

“Is that what you want?” Yamada asks finally, his voice almost steady as he looks up at Yuto's face. “Do you really want me to lie to you? Does it help?” Yuto feels his heart sinking into his stomach, plummeting maybe because for one shining moment it had been heaven, it had been everything...but it wasn't real. Yamada was right, Yuto doesn't want him to pretend, pretending only makes him fall twice as far. “Yuto...” Yamada continues and his voice is shaking now. “Is that the answer you want from me?”

Yuto watches as tears fall over Yamada's lower lids, he looks so torn, so beautiful, but Yuto still feels so raw. “Then what am I supposed to do?” he doesn't mean to shout. “I can't help the way I feel!”

“Neither can I.” Yamada shouts back.

“Get out!” Yuto shouts even louder, almost screams. “Get the fuck out.”

Yamada turns and storms out but that only makes Yuto feel more alone, more lost and it's too much. He punches his pillow, and then again, and shouts and then finally cries because anger is supposed to be easier than pain, but even his anger hurts so much, it always has.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The anger gets worse, because the pain gets worse every time he’s sees Yamada, every time Yamada doesn’t quite meet his eyes no matter how hard Yuto tries. It was bad enough when it was just his kisses Yamada shied away from. Yuto doesn’t shout though, he doesn’t break.

Instead he goes home and drinks, drinks until he feels numb on the outside, trying to numb the things on the inside. It doesn’t work, but Yuto knows people and they know people and he’s heard that there’s other stuff to take the pain away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's like a strange sort of clarity, almost like he's sober though he knows he's far from it. And strangely it doesn't even scare him, Yuto only has one regret. He manages to roll over onto his side, to fling his arm out just enough to knock his phone from the couch onto the floor beside him. He somehow manages to dial Yamada's number and he's thankful, briefly, for every time he brought the number up on his screen, every time he tried to call but was too afraid, to stubborn, so many times that his fingers know the path just by muscle memory.

“Hello.” Yamada answers, and Yuto heaves out a breath of relief, it's enough that he answered, just that is enough. “Yuto?” Yamada asks and Yuto's heart gives a weak thump. “Yutti?” anther one, and Yamada sounds scared. “Yutti, are you alright?”

That's not the voice he wanted to hear, he wanted the softness, the reassurance of Yamada’s normal tone. “I'm OK.” Yuto says, tries for assuring but his lips feels numb, he wants to end the call but his fingers feel numb too, he can't feel his hands “Everything will be OK.”. His chest feels cold, his heart straining to keep on beating and yet beating way too fast, Yuto just smiles as Yamada speaks again.

“Yutti, why are you calling me?”

“I just wanted to hear your voice...”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ryosuke?” Yuto asks, his throat burns. The blurry figure beside him moves but it’s Yabu's frowning face that appears in his field of vision. “Where am I?”

“Rock bottom.” Yabu answers. “There's only one way from here.”

Yuto's vision blurs again but this time it's with tears, they trickle hot and fast down the sides of his face. “Where's Yamada?”

“Outside in the corridor.” Yabu tells him almost stiffly. “I didn't think he should see you...”

“But I want to see him.” Yuto croaks.

“I didn't think _he_ should see _you_.” Yabu repeats with emphasis. “Yuto you're a mess, but he wouldn't go home until we knew...until you woke up...”

He doesn’t remember going to sleep. Yuto shakes his head a little, tries to clear it but everything feels so fuzzy. He remembers the whiskey, and the drugs, the little bag of white powder, and he remembers Yamada’s worried voice. “What happened?”

“You almost overdosed” Yabu tells him, half shocked, half disgusted. “Cocaine, Yuto? What the fuck were you thinking?”

More tears fall as Yuto blinks, the memories coming flooding back on waves of feelings. “I just didn't want it to hurt anymore...”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So should we talk about this?” Yamada asks quietly, he looks as though he hasn’t slept in days and Yuto thinks he may have been drinking.

“I’m seeing a therapist about the drink...and the drugs.” Yuto tells him.

Yamada nods “I know...I didn’t mean that...”

“I know.” Yuto says, and for a few beats it’s just quiet. “There’s nothing to talk about. I love you. I could tell you that I don’t, but that would be a lie...”

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write something happy, or fluffy...or at least smutty...for Yamada's birthday but I'm affraid my brain is still stuck in YutoYama angst mode. Also this is entirely the fault of l[](https://lady-aenea.livejournal.com/profile)[lady_aenea](https://lady-aenea.livejournal.com/). The title is a quote from the TV series Angel.


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